What it’s like to lose a loved one

I don’t even know where to begin. These last three months or so have been some of the most amazing and sad times of my life. I have been given the best and the worst news all at once. Apart of me feels like it has been a dream. That I’ll wake up tomorrow and things will be the way they were before. Life has a funny way of throwing things at you. It’s a time that I wish I had more faith because it’s hard to believe that someone so good could do so much to hurt us here.

I have been struggling with keeping myself focused and in tune with my feelings because half the time, I don’t even know what I am feeling. It’s funny because to most, other than the dedication posts, it might seem like I have it all together, that I am strong, but deep down, I feel the opposite of that.

About three weeks ago, I lost my mother, Heather Sugg, to nearly a decade of battle to a brain tumor. I still can’t even believe she’s gone, and I’m sure I’ll never be fully accepting of it. It feels like she’s on vacation and will be back in a few days. Sometimes, words aren’t enough, and sometimes there are all the words. I wanted to write this because I know I am not the only one out there who is dealing with this type of loss or loss at all. It’s a part of life. We will all, at some point, lose someone who means so much to us. Even knowing that it still feels like you are the only one, the only one feeling all of these emotions, the only one wondering if you are also feeling the right emotion. Maybe I should be sadder. Perhaps I should be happier? I don’t even know. There isn’t a guide book on grieving.

Grief is not a system or steps you go through. It is an everyday thing. Some days are easier, and some days are harder, and there is just no getting around that. As I am learning how I grieve, I am also learning more about who I am. I try to take all that my beautiful mother has taught me directly and indirectly and use it. I hope that I am making her proud. She was an inspiration to many people because of her strength. She faced cancer every day with the attitude that she will win. Although she is no longer here on Earth, I still like to think she won. She won because she left us with the knowledge on how to live, fearlessly, with strength, and with 110% of your heart. Part of the reason I started my blog was to inspire people just as my Mom did. She had this effect on people that no matter what, you felt loved and cared for. I hope I can do even half of that.

You never really know how you’ll react to anything until it happens. Although we were “prepared” for this, we weren’t — weren’t ready for the emptiness left behind. At times though, I feel lucky that I was able to spend the time with my Mom because some people lost loved ones unexpectedly and were never able to get that last moment. Even still, I feel like I needed more, that the moments weren’t enough.

As I try to understand my feelings and what I am thinking, this may be a string of consciousness, but hopefully, out of anything, this connects to at least just one person having the same thoughts.  I hope you know you’re not alone, and everything you are feeling is okay, and it’s the right emotion even if other people don’t.

Some days I feel great, and some days I feel terrible. My way of handling the grief is through keeping a schedule. I have realized through this. I go through grief by staying in the most normal schedule as possible. I have even adopted my typical routine to be a little more regimented. I have started to have a morning and nighttime routine. The days that I have kept the routines and the days that I don’t, I can for sure tell that I am off, emotionally, physically, etc.

The morning routine is still under construction as I figure out what I like and what seems to be the best. At the moment, though, it is consisting of waking up, drinking water, and reading “The Daily Stoic.” The daily meditations are super centering, and it is a great way to start the day on a positive note. To think about how I can be better or adjust what I typically do. It lasts for about 5 minutes. I read the page, and most are short, and then I reflect and try to think of one way to do as the Stoics did in the passage.

The days that I continue to do these two things, my morning feels better, and I’m more emotionally stable during the day. My morning routine needs a bit of adjustment, though. I want to add working out and journaling. Working out used to be a stable part of my routine. When everything happened with my Mom, it has gone to the wayside. I am hoping to get it back.

I have also heard about taking time to brain dump. I am not sure the exact term. Basically, for a set time, all you do is write, not lists for to-dos, but whatever you are feeling. I can see how amazing this could be because I always feel as if I have so many emotions, but I am not the best at expressing them. I am curious about how writing will help with this — getting out all the feelings so that they don’t bottle up and come out at random times.

The nighttime routine has been way more successful. For my nighttime routine, it consists of a few things. First, I typically set up my oil diffuser with lavender and sweet orange. After, I will wash my face, take a shower. When I finished with my shower, I put on my Dr. Dennis Gross Pore Perfecting Serum, then use Keihls face lotion and, finally, put on my pajamas. Then, I’ll boil some water and make extra sleepy time tea, get into bed, and read the book I am currently enjoying. I just joined a book club and am reading for pleasure, “The Turn of the Key.” It’s getting good and an excellent book for the spooky szn. I will start my nighttime routine around 7:30-7:45. At about 9-9:30, I will go to sleep. When I keep this nighttime routine, in the morning I am so much more rested and ready to take on the day and the nights that I don’t do this routine, I have been waking up sluggish and more emotional.

I am still a work in progress, and I am still figuring out how I can handle the loss of Mom. If you have suffered the loss of a loved one, know that I am here, and I know people say this and don’t mean it, but I hope you know I do. Reach out, let me know. Sometimes it’s just beautiful to know someone else is there with you.

When you or a person you care about is struggling with the loss of a loved one, be there. Show up. Not only in the beginning when things are raw, but a few months later a year later.  Those who have lost someone don’t just struggle in the beginning, but as time moves on. It is an uneasy feeling knowing that life goes on, but a part of your world stops, and it sucks knowing that others continue to move on with their life, and you are supposed to do the same. So be there, check-in, ask how they are doing because even though you don’t want to make someone talk about or bring it up, they are already thinking about it always 24/7.

I hope to continue talking about my grief journey with all of you. I want to give you anything that works for me and wish to learn from you as well. How do you handle grief? Any tips you can share?

Honestly Elise