The holidays are entirely upon us, and let me tell you this year is going to be WAY different. There are have been so many life-changing moments within the last six months. Not having my Mom physically here is hard. This time of the year is supposed to be spent, well in my life, with family and taking time to enjoy each other’s company. Although it will still be that way again, it’s harder to even think about doing all our favorite activities without her here.
I have noticed my mood has been touchy this past month. Mostly dealing with the idea of not having Mom around still doesn’t feel real. I was listening to a podcast, and she was talking about how she still feels like her Dad is just going to show up one day and be like “yo what-up just been hiding out,” and although so funny, it resonated with me so much because I feel that same thing, all the time. Especially when we should all be together during this time, it is rough and sucks and hard because you’re supposed to be full of joy and cheer when that is the last thing you feel. Watching others exude that same feeling also is freaking draining as we get it, Karen, you freaking love Christmas and let’s all be Merry together, puke.
Some of us are struggling. We’ve lost loved ones, going through a break-up, lost their job, sometimes it ain’t all candy canes and gumdrops I don’t wanna make everyone feel all down and sad either, so I wanna give some tips on grieving during the holiday season, whether you are grieving or with someone who is, these are some excellent tips to do or encourage someone to do!
TIP 1:
SAY NO!
Holiday times are full of parties and get-togethers, whether with family, friends, coworkers. It’s a time for spending time. It can get CRAZY! I can’t even tell you how many parties I have this month that at times I start to get overwhelmed, also trying to plan my best friends Christmas girls night has been a nightmare, no time. I encourage you to say no. If the parties become too overwhelming, especially during grieving, you gotta show up, answer the dreaded question “how are you doing?” over and over again and be present and make sure you put on the I am doing so great face that everyone wants to see. At least for me, this sometimes is a good break and distraction, and others I get more stressed. Therefore, I have been saying No more often and not worrying whether someone will be upset if I can’t come. I am a little more selfish, and my mental health needs to come first. If you’re like me and loaded up with a bunch of parties, feel free to say no if you know going is going to be more stressful than not.
TIP 2:
Take time for you
During the holidays, I have noticed that one day, I am fine, and the next, I am deep in my feelings. Over thanksgiving, after traveling and being around family and then with my husband’s family, I noticed that I wasn’t engaging, and things bothered me quickly, something that typically doesn’t. As this was happening, I noticed that I was short, and when I am upset, my face doesn’t hide it. I decided that to be able to enjoy the time with everyone. I needed a little time alone. I went upstairs and was alone for about 10-15 minutes. This alone time was where I could process my feelings and work through what I was going through. I was struggling with spending time with family knowing my Mom isn’t around, that I won’t be able to be with her. It was a bit of jealousy, and part of me felt terrible for having that feeling… I know, I know it is entirely NORMAL to feel that way and am valid, but still, a weird emotion to feel during the holidays. During my alone time, I talked with a friend and just sat in silence for me. That was what I needed at the moment. During that alone time, do things that you like, meditate, draw, journal, play music, cry, laugh, or scream, whatever feels best do it. Just take the time when you need it, don’t worry about whether people think you are rude by not being “involved” if you need it to take it. Those of you who are supporting someone grieving, give them some grace on this. Ask if you don’t know why they are taking the time. Don’t assume they are angry. Most likely, it is the opposite.
TIP 3:
Keep your routine(s)
If you are like me, the holidays mean a break, which means breaking a habit. Although I love the break, it becomes hard to bring myself back to reality. Keeping my routine will be vital for my mental health. If I allow myself to sleep in and sit around, I know that it will make it harder for me to get things done or have the motivation to anything fun or necessity. Keeping a routine helps, at least me, stay in a functioning mode. For me this break, I won’t keep my wake-up time, but I will keep my morning routine and nighttime routine the same. These two routines have been vital in my mental health, especially my nighttime routine. In the last few weeks, I have been really out of it, and it is because my routines are off, and I can tell it is affecting my mood and how I am feeling. During grieving, for me, things feel out of control, and sometimes a bit of control feels right. The holidays always add a bit more of those uncontrollable factors that lead to more stress. If you are supporting a loved one through grieving, help them keep the routine, encourage them to work out if that is a regular activity, go to bed, start doing the routine with them. Don’t let them be alone in that work!
TIP 4:
Don’t feel guilty
The last thing you want to do is feel guilty for taking care of your needs. When you are grieving, it is a lot of internal processing of your feelings, and that to others can look like you don’t care or you are selfish. When most of the time, it is about you surviving and trying to make it through the day without having a breakdown, although needed sometimes. Whatever it is you need to do, do it. Don’t let what others are thinking to be a barrier for you taking care of you. If you are supporting a loved one, although them space and time to take care of their needs. Ask them questions about where they are at, check-in, and be okay that at times, they won’t be okay.
Grief is heavy and hard, especially in the holiday season. Try these tips to help ease the burden a bit! You aren’t alone, promise even if it feels like you are! I know supporting someone grieving is also hard, and all those who know that we are so so thankful for you even if we don’t outwardly say it.
What are your tips for the holidays?
Honestly Elise
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